Anticipation

i recently applied for a position as a filming slave for a professional kink production company. i have had the pleasure of working with this particular company before, and i find their style refreshing. The position is unpaid, save expenses, but that’s to be expected given the subject matter. i sent my application late one evening after spotting an ad on a filming slave notice board. i had waited all of fifteen minutes before i received a reply.

Now, with the date of the shoot looming, i am terrified. There are a few things that i am worried about, some small, some fairly significant.

First, will i be up to standard? Last time i shaved all over as this is what was preferred. This time i am unable to do so, although i plan to take a razor just in case. Also, having set no limits last time, will i be able to withstand what is thrown at me? Last time was no picnic, i was hosed down with ice cold water and it was not a warm day. i cannot shake the feeling that this is again in store and this time it’s winter.

Second, will anybody find out? i do not like the hood that is offered to protect identity, somehow i get claustrophobic. However, revealing myself to the world in this way is less than appealing. The only comfort is that if someone were to see the video, they must have signed up to the sites, meaning they have as much to hide as i do.

The third, and rather significant issue is the strain on my relationship. With my relationship almost at breaking point, is this the most sensible option? The fact is that i enjoy this, not for gratification, but degrading myself at the commands of beautiful women makes me feel liberated. At home, i often have to ask and explain before i can be treated this way, defeating the purpose entirely.

So now i am excited yet uneasy. Part of me wants to cancel, but i cannot. As this is a professional agreement, i do not believe it would be right to walk away. The company in question has seen its fair share of this and i do not want that kind of reputation.

Head, meet brick wall

It’s official. Expaining kink to my partner is like banging my head against a brick wall. Last week i showed her a chastity device online and asked what she thought. It seemed promising as she went off and looked at other devices and how they worked. i was excited by the thought of handing her the keys to my sex drive.

Then the next day, cool as a cucumber. i asked her again how she felt about it. She replied that she didn’t understand, was i asking to be put in chastity? Once again, she had missed the point.

Since i revealed my inclinations to her, i have explained one simple truth:

If i have to explain what i want, then it takes away the whole dynamic

Sometimes she understands, but usually she does not care. i have dropped many hints to her, but either she ignores them or she straight out asks me if that’s what i want. As soon as that happens, the answer is no.

Despite this, i am constantly being berated for not understanding her needs. Her need for sensual and passionate love-making, her need for a vigorous fucking, her need for romance, apparently i am blind to these. This is not true at all, she gets what she wants far more than i do.

i recently had a long drinking session with a friend where we discussed life and love. She said that it seems like my partner is projecting her insecurities. i have to admit, it does seem like that.

*My partner cheated on me for an extended period and every time i talk to a woman, i must be cheating too.

*My partner does not give me what i crave sexually, i get accused of not meeting her needs.

*She becomes an ice queen and goes into the foulest of moods, she tells me that i don’t want to talk.

Perhaps this is just women in general, but it seems insane to me.

New year, new me, new idea

We are now a week into 2012. This year is the year of Olympics, Apocalypse and a host f other events.

i made some resolutions this year.

1) Lose weight
2) Be happier

These are some nice generics but i have some specifics that i can only post here.

Losing weight is straight forward. Being happier is a lot more complex. This year, i plan to exercise my kink a lot more. i am going to start going to fetish club nights, local munches and generally getting into the community.

i am also going to ask my partner to put me in chastity as an experiment. i have just one concern, drinking with the lads could be a problem (the people i drink with think drunken nudity is a legal requirement). i think i'll suggest it, but ask for permission for release to go out on big weekends...

Any ideas, post a comment.

Taking a hint

I used to have a twitter account. Sadly, I have had to remove this. I didn’t really have much choice. I had shared far too much on there, some very personal things that were not meant for the wider internet.

I am now realising just how much I miss twitter. I had some genuine friends on there and have not heard from them since the account went. Despite having my email address, contact is less than sporadic. At first I thought that a sall prompt was needed, nope. I thought that the real world might be taking up their time, but I have no way of telling as I’m getting no reply.

This is less of a bitch and a moan and more of an observation, but I’m starting to get the hint…

So judgemental

Christmas is nearly upon us once again. It has been sneaking up on me the last few years, leaving me panicking with just a few days to sort everything. The biggest burden of Christmas is the Christmas card. Fortunately there are now a number of websites that will print and send cards for you. This year I thought I’d give one of these a try.

Being a bit on the kinky side, I wanted to send a ridiculously filthy card to a select few people who I knew would appreciate the sentiment.




I checked all of the T’s and C’s on all of the card sending websites and went to work ordering my card from the site with the best deal. Payment was taken and a delivery date selected. Now all I had to do was sit back and wait for the cards to arrive with the recipients.

Sadly, the cards never arrived. I then received an email to tell me that the card could not be sent as it was offensive. I checked the T’s and C’s again and found no mention of this, so I replied that the recipients would not find the card offensive at all. I received no reply but the money was refunded to my account.

There were many things about this that worried me. First, why was there no mention of “offensive” cards on the T’s and C’s? Second, what is defined as offensive? Third, if this is a manual process, could a different person have let me card through? Finally, why did I not receive a reply?

As it stands, I will send an e-card and try a more toned down option next year.

Farewell

After some soul searching this week, i have decided to say goodbye to my twitter account. i have met some awesome people on there, but i found it hard to separate my real life feelings and the fun/kinky twitter account. So i deactivated it.

i'm now just waiting out the 30 days until all of my historic posts disappear and the persona is gone forever. This is less waiting, more willpower. A large part of me does not want to say goodbye.

But i must, so i shall. It would take some serious convincing to keep me on there...

Under the radar

It looks as though this little blog has slipped under most people's radar. i suppose that could be a good thing. As much as the idea of hundreds or thousands of people hanging off my every word thrills me, the content of this blog also makes that a chilling thought.

With regards to content, there isn't really a lot here. my previous blog was fairly full of intimate and downright revealing facts about me. As such, it had to go. i'm all for revealing my innermost thoughts, but anonymously is the way forward.

Now for my real reason for posting tonight. It's about time i went back to work on my erotica. Sadly, my generation does not seem to appreciate the written word as much as i do. The erotic literature sites i post to have slowly dwindling numbers. Unless a site has a scenario as a movie, nobody wants to know. Personally, i love to read erotica. Some of my darkest fantasies have stemmed from erotica, and yes i am happy that someone else's story has warped my mind.

i'm still procrastinating, ranting away on my unread blog instead of writing smut filthy enough to corrupt the whole of middle class America. Middle class Britain is beyond corruption, everyone has a dirty secret here ;)

Any comments or suggestions, please feel free to pop them in the form below.